KuchBatao.com

I Don’t Know Where To Start.

I don’t know where to start.  If one were to observe, I’ve had a pretty good/not too bad life so far. I have a respectable job, decent salary and I’m as healthy as a horse. Sure, I could complain about things in my childhood but if I turned out alright, they couldn’t have been that bad. I realize I’m in no position to be complaining, and sympathy is not what I’m looking for.

About 5 months ago, I started talking to/emailing this guy. Let’s call him AB. We met on one of those internet dating/matrimonial websites. Even today I can’t think of anything negative to say about AB. (My sister tells me I’m mistaken, no one is perfect. ) Every quality I could hope for in my ideal man, he had. He was down to earth, kind, considerate, well spoken, well mannered, tall …I could go on and on,mentioning every small detail about him that I liked but it wouldn’t help. I liked him and that’s why it hurts. Everything was like a fairy tale, or possibly better. I’ve never thought very highly of myself but I wasn’t surprised that he liked me, because we were (I believe), like lock and key; meant to be.

When I think of him now, the smile on my face stabs through my heart.

“What happened?”. You ask?

Its the same thing I ask God every single morning and every single night.

Everything was going great and then his parents asked for my DOB and time so they could consult an astrologer. I gave the information without any hesitation. I was brought up as a Sikh and have never believed in astrology. I’d like to point out here, that I do believe in God and I prayed with deep dedication these past 4ish months. I expected the astrologer to say it was a match made in heaven.

Pundit Ji said otherwise.

The astrologer declared me a Manglik and him a non-Manglik. His parents were a bit surprised as well, I assume, they went on to consult 3 different astrologers in 3 different provinces. Each astrologer had the same prediction, him and I were the worst match possible. I don’t know what details were given, since he never told me the full story, (not that I want to hear it), but 1 or 2 pundits did say the marriage would result in someone’s death.

At this point AB asked for more details of my family’s  medical history. In hindsight I realize these facts were never in my favor.  My mom is a cancer-survivor, her sibling died of cancer at the age of 36. Reports show there was no genetic link between the 2, mere coincidence, but still…..
My maternal grandma died of unknown causes at 50ish and my younger sibling has a serious disease.

Past this discussion I still thought things were going to be Ok.

“He’s a doctor, he knows you can’t predict death or disease. ” I thought to myself.

I was wrong.
He ended everything. I spent so many hours crying.

All I could think was “he shouldn’t have said it.”

Reasons/Explanations were given. Truth has many versions.

Do I believe his reasons?……No
Do I respect his decision?………Yes. A very firm Yes.
I also respect myself far too much to question his choice.

These past few days I’ve cried a lot, I’ve screamed into my pillow. I’ve thought about this non-stop but nothing softens the blow.
I wish I could come up with something horrible or even slightly negative about him, just to make myself feel better. The fact that he was perfect doesn’t make any of this easier. He is a wonderful human being and I wish him nothing but the best. He is now in my past.

In the end I don’t blame him. I blame destiny/kismat.

For hours on, I cry to myself. I wonder, what kind of God would let this happen? Am I really manglik? Is there such a thing as Manglik? What could I have possibly done to deserve this? Did I miss out on happiness? Did one of us dodge a bullet? Am I ever going to meet someone so perfect again? I don’t have any answers.

I’m also embarassed that I’ve taken this incident so seriously. I try to console myself, attempt to divert my attention. I tell myself, people go through diseases, divorce and deal with death, my problem is so trivial in comparison. Nothing takes the sadness or the emptiness away.

I feel like screaming out loud about what happened, in the hopes that somebody would step forward and say  ”that’s so wrong. Let me fix it.” I have no idea as to why I’m writing this. Its almost as if I want to tell God, I don’t blame AB, but I do blame Him.

Life goes on, the earth never stops spinning. Never speak ill of someone you once adored.

Arranged Marriage Lessons: Part TWO

Be still, my heart

My last post, Arranged Marriage Lessons: Part 1, was written back in December 2010. I was going through a difficult time and trying to figure out what to do next with this setup I had been talking to for a little over two years. It was a stressful month for me, and in addition to school, I had the added pressures of my family and extend family wondering what was going on in my life with this guy.

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The day after that post was published, I attended a (non-desi) wedding. A good friend from college married his girlfriend of five years, finally. We all knew it was coming. And what does this have to do with arranged marriages, me, or this post? Well, a lot, quite frankly. Here, I’ll try to illustrate what I’m looking for in a guy using a non-arranged, non-desi couple as an example.

Lesson 1: Love and Friendship Go Hand-in-Hand

I had seen and known this couple since they were friends way back in sophomore year of college, and their behavior was not any different on their wedding day. Sure, they might know each other a little bit better, but the comfort level with each other remained the same. Holidays, birthdays, and random days: the “love” was constant, similar to best friends who appreciate each other’s company.

So what does this have to do with an arranged marriage? Well, tons. Why should anyone who is getting married just ‘settle’ because the boy is a doctor and the girl is a dentist? Why should we pick our life-long companion based only on their parent’s status or caste? The truth is, all of these things are important to those outside of the relationship (parents, family, distant family, community) but the inarguable truth is that love will form on friendship. You simply can’t have one without the other. Let’s say you had a friend that simply did not understand you, give you emotional support, or show interest in your interests (your family, your career, your dog)—what kind of friend would that be?—A terrible friend. Same goes for someone you would spend your life with; they should be your friend first, and the love will grow from there. Without friendship, there would be no foundation for love.

Lesson 2: Compliment Your Lady

At my friend’s wedding reception, I told him how amazing his wife looked and asked him if he knew how lucky he was? His quick and candid response was, “I know, I got really lucky. She even did her own makeup today.”

He didn’t need to compliment her, she wasn’t even around. He could have even said thank you and left it at that. Even days when I’m just talking to my friend, he’ll say things like “She made XYZ dish that I really liked,” or “She’s an amazing artist, and decorated this.” There is always sincere affection in his voice and appreciation for her. And I don’t think an arranged marriage setup should be any different. It doesn’t matter how two people meet. They need to be able to be honest and respectful. And they need to appreciate the other for who they are, and communicate that appreciation.

Lesson 3: Do Things Together, Do Things With Family

In the last few years that I’ve seen my friend and his girlfriend, I’ve noticed that they’ve spent just as much time with each other, as with each their families. The luxury of everyone living in the same state is that this is possible quite often. Rarely have I heard a complaint from either one of them. The couple spends holidays with each other’s families, and both of them are friends with each other’s siblings.

And why should this be any different for those who are arranged? It shouldn’t. When you’re setup by your parents, there is even more reason to spend time with the family and to befriend the siblings. It makes your potential see that you’re trying to understand where you come from and who you are, rather than steal a glance at how much bounce there is in your arse or how your breasts look. Also, the simple act of doing something together creates bonds and memories. It’s a lot more interesting than staring at each other in a coffee shop, asking questions and trying to figure out where to go from there.

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Many days passed as I pondered over the examples of love I had seen, the closeness and the compromises made, and if I would ever be fortunate enough to experience that. The setup guy had nearly all the qualities a girl could ask for—he was smart, funny, intelligent, and had a great family too. Yet, I just did not feel that our friendship had become any stronger in the last two years. I would find it  hard to trust him and his flirtatious nature, I still couldn’t tell when he was joking or being serious, and sometimes I just felt like I was being made fun of/boring him. I can blame the distance (we were a two hour flight away from each other) and I can blame the familial pressure. But no matter what, I/we broke Lesson 1.

I know you men all know that women fish for compliments. I am pretty sure you guys really hate that about us. But come on, if you can’t even tell the girl you’re talking to that you appreciate her in ways that she can understand, then what is the point of even continuing to communicate? Let her know you like her, I guarantee any decent woman will be flattered. I got a couple compliments from this setup guy over the last two years including “You’re a nice girl,” and “You’re different from the other girls, you wear loose clothing.” It took me months to figure out that he was trying to say that I’m a decent human being and that the way I dress shows I respect my body. Or did he mean that literally? I’ll never know because he couldn’t really explain it to me and I wasn’t going to keep asking him. Lesson 2 was broken because the compliments didn’t really make sense to me, I’m not great at reading in-between the lines and that’s something I need to work on. But still, I didn’t really feel the love, okay?

The single most irritating about this guy  was that he made a big deal about coming to see me at my parent’s house, and did not make a huge effort to spend time with my family. My sibling means the world to me, and he didn’t even try to get to know him. This pisses me off, and while I let him know that it bothered me, his excuse was that he wanted to get to know me first. Unlike him, I was in touch with his sister, wished his family members well on their birthdays, and thoughtfully inquired about them in general. But, neither him nor his sibling bothered to get to know my little brother. And to me that’s a big F-U.

In retrospect, it’s no surprise that on Christmas Day, I wished this setup a Merry Christmas and a “Have a nice life.” I didn’t plan to do it that day, but it just happened. I couldn’t see this pseudo-relationship working out and I was tired of trying to make things work when they clearly weren’t. It was by far, one of the hardest things I’ve done, to let go of the thought that I’m connected with someone. After I severed ties, I broke down and cried for a few days. I needed to cope with what I had done, that I had let go of what could have potentially been my future. At that time, I might have been more upset because I was afraid of the uncertainty being completely ‘single’ brings. That Christmas day, I no longer had anyone in my life that I could make excuses to ping or call, just to hear their voice. Just to hear them say my name. Even thinking about now, brings tears to my eyes.

But, looking back, I’m most definitely sure I did the right thing. If Lessons 1 to 3 are important to me, and he didn’t meet them or make efforts to try, then why even bother? Today, three months later, I can write about it comfortably. I feel less pressure and carry less weight on my shoulders. I don’t feel upset quite as often, because I don’t feel like I’m boring or upsetting someone else quite as often. I know I can reach out to him, if I want, but I don’t feel the everyday need to. And most importantly, I feel like I can move on again. There may have been some pain, but I’m still hopeful that the right guy for me is out there. Maybe, he’s even reading this and taking notes.

Arranged Marriage Lessons: Part One

Disclaimer: This is a pretty personal topic for me and writing about it is cathartic. I am not trying to offend anyone the following post. Rather, I want others to learn from my experiences.

There comes a time in almost every Indian girl’s life that she has to have that talk with her parents. For some reason, the parents skip over the birds-and-bees talk and go straight to the dreaded m-word, marriage.

I was only 23 when they first brought it up and I didn’t take it so well. I was young and naive and thought my strict-conservative parents would pick someone ultra-conservative. That he would be restrictive and dislike my progressive views of the world. But being a thoughtful daughter meant putting others first. At least, that is my MO.

Lesson 1: Absolutely do NOT get involved with a rishta unless you yourself are ready. Be firm about this because parents will try to push you for fear of losing the guy and family. If they are worth it, they will all wait till you are ready.

Since I was not seeing anyone, I tried it out. We had already met, but we hadn’t really talked before. The first phone conversation did not go so well. Emotionally charged and scared of uncertainty, I did not react to straight-forwardness that well. Go figure, I didn’t get a response from him, so a few weeks later I got his email and sent a short message. This led to a few more exchanges, chatting online, and progressively longer phone conversations.

The honeymoon period of the ‘relationship’ ended over something seemingly trivial- eating habits. I was vegetarian and found out he ate meat. It bothered me because I thought my family could reject the guy I liked on these terms. Again, I didn’t really know how this all works. I know I was naive. But my anger was out of fear of losing him, not dislike.

Lesson 2: Compromises tend to show up earlier in arranged relationships. You already know why you are meeting and there is pressure on both the girl and guy to find common ground. Figure out where you will bend and where you won’t before you get involved. This is important because most likely, your families are getting their hopes up too.

Lesson 3: Don’t be afraid to be honest. As long as you are polite, the other person will respect your honesty. There is no need to hide your preferences because it will prevent getting hurt in the long run.

Our lives were slowly evolving, but in separate states. I started graduate school and work seemed to take off well for him. No one was ready to compromise on a move just yet; nor did we say no to the alliance because we had fun talking to each other.

Lesson 4: Establish a deadline. If you have met because your parents think this is a good rishta, then give yourself 6 months tops to figure out if things can work out for the long run, or not. Generally, you will know how you feel in 6 months because you would have figured out how much you are willing to compromise for the other person.

Eventually, this staying in touch but not committing started to blow up in our faces. Our parents were getting serious and needed some answers. The guy argued that he hadn’t seen me enough to make a commitment. I should have been the bigger person and ended it right there, but I had already gotten attached to him.

Lesson 5: If it’s been over a year and a guy hasn’t committed to you in this rishta situation then just end it. He’s not ready if he can’t make a verbal commitment to seal the deal at a specific point in time, and chances are he won’t be ready any time soon.

These are just some things that I learned through this ordeal. I have left out a lot of details including the good and the bad. He had the ability to make me laugh and not a day went by that I didn’t think of him. And I know I gave a lot to this “relationship”, so if it didn’t’ work out, it’s God’s will. Maybe at another time, we can find each other again if it is meant to be. If not, I know that I’m stronger because of it.

Lesson 6: As with other types of dating, sometimes these set-ups just do not work out. Your parents will only know what they can see: a good family, a career, and good health. It is ultimately up to you to figure out whether you and the other person can get along. And if you can’t, then don’t get too hung up on it because it’s not really anyone’s fault.

This is based on the first time I was set up. It definitely taught me a lot of life lessons. What are some things you all have learned through a similar situation?

25 Things I hate about Shaadi.com

You know you’ve done it. You know your parents want to put you up. You know you made that fake account to troll around yourself.

Shaadi.com is made up of so many types of Desi single folks: those who want to shop around since their local NET-IP chapters have run dry with prospects; a select few who put themselves up to quiet the ‘rents; a stellar one or two who give it an honest go. Let’s not mention the questionably shaady suitors — those bastards who are married, in relationships, or even gay — but still need to feed some misguided ego or deeply rooted insecurities.

Having been a paid (yes, a high number of suitors do not pay, thus wasting your time by accepting/declining interests) member for a requisite 6 months, I came away with one, solo date, and a myriad of freak stories. And, in case you’re wondering, that one date kept me waiting in the lobby of the ‘W’ hotel as he took a work call for 45 min. I left at the 46-minute mark.

Am I off? For now. Will I get back on? More than likely.

Having given said this, I wanted share my list of 25 things I hate about Shaadi.com:

1.     Men with profiles posted by Parent/Guardian. If he’s your Mama’s boy, you keep him.

2.     Men who list their income under $25K. You obviously can’t support yourself, let alone a marriage.

3.     Men who are too cheap to pay for a membership.

4.     Men who are separated and couldn’t wait for the ink on the divorce papers to dry.

5.     Men who stick up photos with baseball caps, berets, or fedoras. You’re bald. We get it.

6.     Men who write a two-line description.

7.     Men who include typos, demonstrating your sloppiness in paper and probably in…

8.     Men that don’t respond to your interest request.

9.     Men who accept your request and don’t initiate a follow-up.

10.   Men who send one email and then stalk you via Facebook.

11.   Men who send you a phone number, and then don’t answer when you call.

12.   Men who are 58 years old, drive a tractor in Ludhiana, and have 3 kids.

13.   Men who are 21 year, UK-based, aspiring club promoters.

14.   Men who are your friends in real life and want to express interest to see if you’d ever accept.

15.   Men who hide their profile, unhide their profile, hide their profile…

16.   Men who lie about their age and disclose the truth when you speak.

17.   Men who stick up headshots, hiding their portly gut.

18.   Men who try to be clever by saying, “It’s my first time online…”

19.   Men who add their birthdates to their profile name.

20.   Men who put up their blood type.

21.   Men who talk to you, your BFF and your cousin, both who are also on Shaadi.com.

22.   Men who call after 1:00 am and ask you what you’re wearing.

23.   Men with profiles that are cross-listed on Match.com, eHarmony.com, and PlentyofFish.com

24.   Men who write with emoticons.

25.   Men who look nothing like their pic taken 5 years ago.

Faith-ly Wrong

It always happens to me. I’m sure it happens to some of you, too. I meet the wrong guys, all the time. No, not the bad-ass ones who boast about knowing how to show a girl a good time with all the frills and thrills. These guys are the wrong ones because of our belief systems. They just happen to not be Hindu. And it’s very, very, sad.

I feel that my moral compass is quite strong. I think about others, and follow the adage “do one to others as you would want done to yourself” as much as possible. I want to give back to my community, and I want to take care of the ones I love. What I have seen is that this type of attitude tends to attract others who are also morally of equal standing. For example, they happen to be Christian.

This moral compass is just one aspect that defines this ‘wrong guy’. It is his strong sense of devotion and community, and overall confidence that attracts me to him. In the community where I have been growing up, I have yet to see similar adherence to religion, for not the sake of cultural traditions, but for self-improvement. I could be very well looking in the wrong places.

Let’s not call it love. It’s more a sensation of warm and fuzzy, energizing emotion that takes over me.

But right now, I am in love, with the wrong guy. We meet at so many different levels, besides that religious aspect. He’s funny, warm, good hearted, sweet, and a little bit spicy. His interests vary from the usual sports and alcohol related activities to politics, business, and even fashion. I can talk to him, and time flies. I can tell him anything, without fear of being judged or ridiculed for my personal feelings. Feeling alive again, I know that all I want to do is to see him and spend my free time in his arms, listening to him talk.

But I can’t. Because even though he holds similar moral values that I hold, it is our upbringing and religion that make us different. So all I can do is pray, to my God, that he finds what he is looking for. And I know he does the same.

Forced To Choose: Loving Love Or Loving Parents?

Coexist with the idea of love. Love wins.

Simple, but very dangerous words. My whole life I’ve been bombarded with images of TRUE LOVE and how one day my prince will come…well guess what? REALITY came a lot faster than any prince did. This day and age, I see many people struggle with their “first loves” who they fought to be with, yet in the end something falls short and here they are going the way their parents did, arrange marriage styles. I am not a hater when it comes to true love, nor am I hater when it comes to arranged marriages; I’m simply a girl wondering when love became a debate.

I’ve seen true love conquer the odds and I’ve seen true love fight until both parties parted and ended up marrying other people. When did the fight for true love become so extreme? Why is it so hard for people to accept love in whatever shape, colour, or form it comes in? Why is it so hard for parents to understand? All these questions I thought I had the answers to because I obviously assumed the love I had would undoubtedly last, but one day reality shakes you and you soon realize love is not enough.

I might sound very bitter and sad, but to be honest what I’ve become is realistic. Looking at the love my parents share is the kind of love I envy and pine for. The kind of love that even when you think this fight is going to be the be all and end all of ‘us’, is just a simple road block to a future filled with things far worse than a few arguments over who was right when it came to painting the fire place RED.

I used to be a firm believer of finding the perfect guy and knowing if he was the “one”, but all those images and thoughts of soul mates soon vanished as I experienced true hate. I’ve seen and heard the worst things when people see love, simple looks, simple gestures and simple words full of venom. It’s hard to believe again when everything you thought was unbreakable shatters before you. I honestly thought and was an advocate for “true love conquers all”…but really LOVE isn’t everything.

Harsh but true!

Arranged marriages are the norm, whether you want to believe it or not. It is no longer a silly Indian or Pakistani tradition; it’s something people willingly choose to do because they trust the judgement of their parents and family.

The true question is: do you choose to stay with the love of your life or listen to your darling parents?

When you’re growing up and rebelling all the time you definitely have said those famous words “parents just don’t understand”, but as you grow you realize more and more maybe it’s you who just doesn’t comprehend what’s right and what’s wrong. As we all grow up we get into relationships where we think very early on – this is it…I found my exception to the rule!  What I think we all need to understand is that compromise and realizing that road blocks will come is the only way your love will survive.

So, you’re probably wondering what did she choose? I think you need to listen to your parents but trust yourself more than anything else. Taking advice from your parents or friends should be relevant to your decisions, but always know what you want and whether it’s worth fighting for. All I want at the end of the day is to not live with any regrets and be happy. Any person I’ve met in my life knows that I’ll only give you what you have given me, if you want a place in my life it needs to be important to you too.  True love does NOT conquer all, but I’m a firm believer in love existing and if you let it go before even experiencing the true meaning of it, you’re not living.

Love CAN win.

Here I am, choosing to live while coexisting with the idea of love. You read about the great tragic love stories and only hope that you can experience something close to it. You witness love in the greatest forms, people fighting the odds to be together and you hope they last and make it work. All you can do is have a little faith and maybe just maybe, prince charming is standing there with a hello kitty shaped cover for your Nintendo DS and pack of sweet tarts versus the glass slipper and diamond ring, you just need to be open to it. Giving up is pathetic, have faith in your decisions if you’ve come this far…imagine where else it can lead. Whether you meet him or her through a rishta or through a random encounter in front of the school library, know that it’s worth having and give it all you can.

With that I’ll end with this: live everything, live the questions and know that whatever’s written will come forth for you. Remember the most important relationship you have…is with yourself!

Shaadi Step-by-Step: 9 Tips For Any Dulhan-To-Be!

Hello Dulhans!

I have to admit, I wasn’t one of those girls who had planned out her entire wedding by the age of 8 but I did know that I wished to be married someday and have a handsome husband like Aamir Khan. Watching one too many Bollywood movies only fueled my somewhat unrealistic ideas about relationships, love, and marriage. However, as I grew up, I became quite cynical about finding my ‘soul mate’ as I began meeting different guys who I had no interest in dating. Then, my life changed completely when I met my fiancee, and as cliched as it may sound, I DID meet him when I least expected it.  He truly is all I wanted…and more! I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details of how we met, but I’m sure you heard of many ‘couple stories,’ and you might even have a romantic story of your own!

As you probably already know, I’ve finally set my wedding date so the planning has officially begun!  My fiancee and I have been engaged for a while now, and we’re extremely excited that we’re finally getting married!

As much as I’d like to think that my marriage is only between my fiancee and I, the reality is that it is also a marriage between our families. You learn to form new relationships, and love and respect your partner’s family as your own.

Since I’ve been very busy, my parents have volunteered to take care of the majority of the planning and all of the finances, and I’m so thankful! So far, the process has not been too overwhelming. Although my parents have a few of their own ideas while planning, they also want to hear my thoughts and opinions on how I want my wedding to be. Sometimes it can difficult convincing my parents to take a slightly modern approach when it comes to things like choosing wedding favors, wedding invitations, and even when considering having a non-desi wedding photographer!

Ultimately, my parents are making a large investment, and I want them to be happy with the wedding plans! My mom and I have always had a close relationship, and she has known my taste when it comes to pretty much everything — clothes, shoes, handbags, wedding decor, and yes, even MEN! Although I haven’t been actively planning my wedding 24/7, it’s always on my mind.  As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not very far in the planning process, but here are a few points that I think you might find helpful:

Sometimes it can be extremely easy, and other times…not so much.  You learn make minor adjustments in your life, while not compromising your own happiness!

1) Stay Organized -  Remember to make lists, charts, Excel spreadsheets, or even Google Templates to help you organize everything pertaining to your wedding/wedding plans. There are some really great resources you can use for inspiration/planning so be sure to check out my blog. Use online wedding resources like WeddingWire.com for example.

2) Trials & Tastings – Always remember to book your trials and tastings as far in advance as possible. Here are a few I can think of — hair & makeup, mehendi, food tasting, and cake tasting.  You can even manage to book a listening session with your DJ or live musicians before booking them. You want to make sure that you are pleased with what your vendors have to offer when it comes to their products and/or services. After all, you do not want any surprises on your wedding day, except for the good ones!

3) Have A Vision – I’m sure many of you ladies have folders of wedding inspiration (i.e. cakes, lehengas, mehendi, decor) and many favorite websites. However, it is important to create a vision of how you want your wedding to be and decide on a theme or color scheme at the very least. If you choose a wedding decorator who can understand your vision, they will be able to better assist you with their creativity and make your dream a reality!

4) Relax – Schedule a relaxing Spa Day with your fiancee or your girlfriends to get away from the craziness of wedding planning for a bit.

5) Negotiate with Vendors – In this economy, many vendors will be willing to give you a really good deal depending on when you are having your wedding. Try to use local vendors who tend to be more reliable in case an emergency arises and your out-of-town vendors aren’t able to travel to your venue. It also tends to be significantly cheaper when you don’t have to worry about transportation and accommodation for your vendors.

6) Venue – While deciding on a wedding/reception venue, you may want to consider it’s proximity to the airport for your guests arriving from out-of-town. Also, take a look at The Ultimate List of Venue Questions for questions to ask once you’ve narrowed down your venue options.

7) Book Honeymoon in Advance – Depending on how early you know your schedule, you can choose a honeymoon destination and start planning. I would imagine that you can get great deals for booking in advance too. Be sure to do your research on the weather, location, sightseeing, local culture, food (if you have any dietary restrictions), and entertainment. I’m sure you’ll get plenty of perks everywhere as a newlywed couple! Oh yes…and don’t forget your PASSPORT!

8) Photography & Video – If you can’t have both, choose to splurge on the one you find more important. Either way, make sure you look at the portfolios/work of the photographers/videographers to see if they have a creative style that you like. If you plan on using a non-desi photographer, make sure you can explain your ceremony. You might want to have a detailed schedule/plan for them far in advance so they are aware of the most important footage when it comes to capturing certain rituals and every emotion!

9) Wedding website – Whether you decide to use a free or paid wedsite, this is a MUST. It’s a fun way for the bride and groom to interact with the guests, share important information about the wedding events, and accommodation information for out-of-town guests. Depending on which wedsite you choose, you can add your own fun applications to keep your guests involved as plans continue to progress.

Good luck with planning this wonderful day for yourself, ladies!

Say you, Say me…

I’m educated. I’m beautiful. I’m single. And, yes, I’m on Shaadi.com. See most of you reading this will roll those eyes up, saying yet, another Sikh in the City chick, who’s going to wax poetic about why ‘she can’t find the one.’ Fret not, you judgmental freak…as this ain’t your clichéd soliloquy addressing the obvious.

See I know you – that type who has:

1. Created a faux account on Shaadi.com to snoop around potential suitors to see if you got any hits;
2. Is secretly on the wedding portal to find ‘the elusive one’ yourself, but refuse to publicly acknowledge your stint;
3. Poke fun at lame, desperate leftovers in the dating world who do resort to the gold membership as another hopeful network of available men…well, until a real option kicks in.

You judge us, poke fun at our ‘wheatish’ skin colouring, and may even forward our pics to your circle of friends asking them, “what if?” Of course, we know the latter will never happen, because you lack the very guts that got us here. “There’s gotta be something up with her divorce.” “Sure, her pic looks like that, but scope her out on Facebook to see if she’s used Photoshop.” “If she’s all that, what’s she doing here?” That’s what you say…

Now, here’s what I say…quite the opposite. With my post-grad degree from a top university, seven years of entrepreneurial start up experience, professional publications, and public position that determines more of the future than your analyst job will ever do, I say we are real women, who are real sisters, chasing after a very real dream – love.

See, we’ve done the Net-IP events, trolled the local city mixers, even tested the waters of speed dating.

We’ve experienced the difficulties adapted ourselves to–one-night stands, auntyji set-ups, MeraPyar mixers, continuous public relations directed at married friends–and, despite the high quality of men who must exist by the surreptitious laws of attraction, we’ve exhausted our pretty little selves at this point. Shaadi.com is simply our latest exercise in ambivalence. But, one more channel of hope only means one more chance at love.

So, talk trash all you want, but, know, what you say, we’ll say, too…

South Asian Culture and Dating – The Parental Factor!

South Asian parents never cease to amaze me! For the better part of our lives we are told things like: dating is forbidden, don’t talk to boys under any uncertain terms (a girl in Turkey was actually KILLED for doing this!), relationships are a mere distraction and can only lead to bad things. At a younger age, all we hear is ‘focus on your education and nothing else’. A little later in life, it becomes ‘focus on building your career‘ and making money. Then one fine day, when you least expect it, they turn to you confused and say, ‘how come you aren’t married yet? How come you don’t have someone in mind?’.

Am I the only one that sees something very wrong here?? HELLO?? Are these the same people or is there some jekyll and hyde thing happening (or in the world of bollywood, the ever popular use of a ‘double role‘)? How can you expect me to a) be in a relationship, b) have any potential prospects amongst my circle of friends and c) know anything about dating when all I have ever heard for the better part of my life is quite the opposite?! Don’t talk to boys, don’t look at boys, don’t even think about boys. So where is this magical ‘boy’ supposed to come from??

Its even more frustrating as I feel like they don’t get it at all.

Indian parents keep saying ‘what about anyone you went to school with?’ Again, am I the only sane person here? What – we’re supposed to spend the better part of our college education ignoring guys even exist and then turn around at the ripe old age of 28 and just start talking to them now? Am I the only person who sees the problem here?

Let’s face it – school is the best time to meet people. After that its all downhill. You meet lesser and lesser new people each day as opposed to school where I found I was even meeting new people in my last couple of months. Once you start working, it gets really tough. Life gets busy, you spend a large majority of your day at work with the same set of co-workers (neither if which you could ever imagine dating) and your evenings are mostly spent socializing with friends and family – all of whom you already know. So where exactly are you supposed to find this special someone?

Enter the world of online dating. It makes sense that this concept of finding ‘the one’ or even finding ‘anyone’ has really taken off. But I don’t mean shaadi.com or bharatmatrimony.com or any of those other fob-ish sites out there as that’s the same as going to find someone back home in the motherland in my opinion. There has to be a better solution out there in regards to Indian dating. Something that unites like-minded people like us and where we can meet people at that magical point in our lives when our parents do a complete 180 and decide its now ok, no, REQUIRED, to get out there and meet someone. Otherwise the dreaded fear of ‘let us arrange a match for you’ remains a very valid and scary option.

And so we have TwoMangoes. The perfect place to find other people like YOU. That is, once your parents decide it’s ok to start doing so!

(This article has been reprinted by permission from TwoMangoes.com)