I don’t know where to start.  If one were to observe, I’ve had a pretty good/not too bad life so far. I have a respectable job, decent salary and I’m as healthy as a horse. Sure, I could complain about things in my childhood but if I turned out alright, they couldn’t have been that bad. I realize I’m in no position to be complaining, and sympathy is not what I’m looking for.

About 5 months ago, I started talking to/emailing this guy. Let’s call him AB. We met on one of those internet dating/matrimonial websites. Even today I can’t think of anything negative to say about AB. (My sister tells me I’m mistaken, no one is perfect. ) Every quality I could hope for in my ideal man, he had. He was down to earth, kind, considerate, well spoken, well mannered, tall …I could go on and on,mentioning every small detail about him that I liked but it wouldn’t help. I liked him and that’s why it hurts. Everything was like a fairy tale, or possibly better. I’ve never thought very highly of myself but I wasn’t surprised that he liked me, because we were (I believe), like lock and key; meant to be.

When I think of him now, the smile on my face stabs through my heart.

“What happened?”. You ask?

Its the same thing I ask God every single morning and every single night.

Everything was going great and then his parents asked for my DOB and time so they could consult an astrologer. I gave the information without any hesitation. I was brought up as a Sikh and have never believed in astrology. I’d like to point out here, that I do believe in God and I prayed with deep dedication these past 4ish months. I expected the astrologer to say it was a match made in heaven.

Pundit Ji said otherwise.

The astrologer declared me a Manglik and him a non-Manglik. His parents were a bit surprised as well, I assume, they went on to consult 3 different astrologers in 3 different provinces. Each astrologer had the same prediction, him and I were the worst match possible. I don’t know what details were given, since he never told me the full story, (not that I want to hear it), but 1 or 2 pundits did say the marriage would result in someone’s death.

At this point AB asked for more details of my family’s  medical history. In hindsight I realize these facts were never in my favor.  My mom is a cancer-survivor, her sibling died of cancer at the age of 36. Reports show there was no genetic link between the 2, mere coincidence, but still…..
My maternal grandma died of unknown causes at 50ish and my younger sibling has a serious disease.

Past this discussion I still thought things were going to be Ok.

“He’s a doctor, he knows you can’t predict death or disease. ” I thought to myself.

I was wrong.
He ended everything. I spent so many hours crying.

All I could think was “he shouldn’t have said it.”

Reasons/Explanations were given. Truth has many versions.

Do I believe his reasons?……No
Do I respect his decision?………Yes. A very firm Yes.
I also respect myself far too much to question his choice.

These past few days I’ve cried a lot, I’ve screamed into my pillow. I’ve thought about this non-stop but nothing softens the blow.
I wish I could come up with something horrible or even slightly negative about him, just to make myself feel better. The fact that he was perfect doesn’t make any of this easier. He is a wonderful human being and I wish him nothing but the best. He is now in my past.

In the end I don’t blame him. I blame destiny/kismat.

For hours on, I cry to myself. I wonder, what kind of God would let this happen? Am I really manglik? Is there such a thing as Manglik? What could I have possibly done to deserve this? Did I miss out on happiness? Did one of us dodge a bullet? Am I ever going to meet someone so perfect again? I don’t have any answers.

I’m also embarassed that I’ve taken this incident so seriously. I try to console myself, attempt to divert my attention. I tell myself, people go through diseases, divorce and deal with death, my problem is so trivial in comparison. Nothing takes the sadness or the emptiness away.

I feel like screaming out loud about what happened, in the hopes that somebody would step forward and say  ”that’s so wrong. Let me fix it.” I have no idea as to why I’m writing this. Its almost as if I want to tell God, I don’t blame AB, but I do blame Him.

Life goes on, the earth never stops spinning. Never speak ill of someone you once adored.

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